Listen to Flying Ass Monkeys Songs
Flying Ass Monkeys: This name has a long and wondrous history. Early in the 1640's Sir Arthur Willmaster bought a small farm in southern England, which he named Willow Pond. He and his family moved in there, and for the next 8 generations the Willmaster family ran the place, sometimes just scraping by, and at other times living high on the hog. Then, in the mid 19th century, a great Arab prince paid a large sum to a shady American businessman to have several white women brought in servitude to his harem to live out their lives as concubines. One of them escaped after only being there a few days, but she was found partially buried with sand and near death in the desert, apparently from malnutrition and dehydration. She died in the care of an elderly couple, who were kind enough to have her remains shipped back to the states. That woman's great-great niece later married an accountant in Baltimore, and they had four children, three boys and one girl. The youngest son took up basketball, and was on his high school team, which won many local games even though he rarely made any notable contributions. By the 1940s he had married and had children of his own, none of whom ever really amounted to much. And that's why we're called the Flying Ass Monkeys.
Your till death –
The obstinate, self-righteous monkey
Well, yeah, it PRETTY much covers things.........except of course the ongoing efforts and subsequent failures of the Willmaster descendants (particularly Lavinia Willmaster, nee Lavinia von Runk) to discover a reliable method for computing the average price of tea in China and determining exactly how many angels can dance the hoochie-coochie on the head of a pin, the basis for the upcoming History Channel documentary "Shitting in One hand, Wishing in the Other: The History of the Automatic Percolator and its Effect on the Economy of Micronesia".
-- the loud, pushy monkey
Mr. Ass Monkey,
Our committee, in the Technical Procurement Group at a large impersonal bank, under the direction of a Flying Ass Monkey, has some questions concerning your theory on the origination of the "Flying Ass Monkeys". First of all, who buried the escapee? Why was she only partially buried? Did she fall over? Did someone assist with her burial? How could she have had kids if she was deceased? Secondly, why did her great, great niece's son suck at basketball? Was he partially buried when he played? Third, how did the elderly couple find her? Were they out strolling in the sand? Finally, what about the price of tea in China (as stated by the loud, pushy monkey)? Have the prices been impacted by the Automatic Percolator?
Karen C.
As it turns out, it was Satan himself who buried the woman who escaped, probably due to the fact that by denoucing her earthly master (the Allah-fearing Arab prince) she had been abandoned by Allah and left at the mercy of the Devil in the Arabian desert. Having been abused and tortured during her kidnapping, transportation, and brief captivity, she was in no position to be running around half-naked in the desert. She quickly collapsed due to dehydration and exhaustion and the desert winds slowly blew sand over her unconscious body.
It was an elderly nomadic couple who had taken up temporary residence in a nearby cave who eventually found her. They were out on their daily search for bugs, cacti, and any other meager sustenance they could scrape out of the barren desert in which they lived when they noticed the near-lifeless form of the woman in the sand. By the time they found her she had already been stung by scorpions and nibbled on by birds, so even though they dragged her back to the cave and offered what little they had in an attempt to restore her to health, she never regained consciousness. She slipped into the waiting hands of death within a day of being brought to the cave.
Months later the two nomads happened to mention this strange occurrance to a passing caravan. By then the woman's body had deteriorated significantly, but the caravan agreed to carry her back to a nearby town, where some Americans had organized a search for the woman. They paid a small ransom to the caravan which brought her (none of which ever made it back to the nomadic couple in the desert). The woman's body was returned to her family where she received a proper burial.
Contrary to popular belief, once a woman dies she can no longer have children. The escapee never bore offspring of her own; her brother, however, had two sons. The eldest never married but had several children by different women, none of whom he ever had any subsequent contact with. The third of these, a girl, married a Catholic steelworker in Omaha, Nebraska, and they had a large family, 11 children in all. The fifth and sixth born were twin girls; the younger of the twins grew and married the Irish accountant in Baltimore.
Their son really never wanted to play basketball, it was only at his father's prodding that he agreed to join the team. Being an accountant and feeling quite inadequate in most physical respects, the father hoped to encourage his son to be more athletic and therefore more self-confident and socially acceptable. This plan never quite worked, though, since the boy was basically uninterested in sports, preferring instead to drink and take pills in the alley with his shady drop-out friends. In this crowd he met the woman whom he later married when she became pregnant shortly after their second "date." Since both of them were young, irresponsible, and involved in a variety of unsavory activities, they spent very little effort on raising their children, thus dooming them to mediocre lives of their own.
As for what all this has to do with the price of tea in China, I have very little background. Questions along those lines would be better directed to the loud, pushy monkey himself, the local expert.
I hope this helps to explain the details which I inadvertently glossed over in my original message.
Yours till death –
The obstinate, self-righteous monkey